Inanity · Writing

ASPIRING WRITER: The User Guide and Maintenance Manual (1)

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully automated ASPIRING WRITER™ unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your unit, please pay close attention to the following instructions.


Your ASPIRING WRITER™ comes in a variety of sizes and ages. They may either be thin as a stick figure due to poring over their keyboard/notebook for long periods of time without getting up to eat; overweight due to consuming large amount of chocolate and other goodies while sitting all day long before their computers; or pretty average in size. Upon checkout, please select the gender, appearance and age of choice.

Your ASPIRING WRITER™ will almost always have an unkempt appearance, with unruly hair that might’ve been pulled at one too many times and the occasional coffee stain on their shirt. Your ASPIRING WRITER™ will often opt to be comfortable before anything else, so it’s not unlikely that they’ll stay in their sleepwear all day long.

Your ASPIRING WRITER™ usually comes with the following basic accessories:

  • One laptop/desktop for typing out stories/blogs/etc and doing research. Subscriptions to Carbonite, Dropbox, Jump Drives, Scrivener and other writing and saving programs/devices not included. Make sure to purchase such programs/devices for your ASPIRING WRITER™ to avoid meltdowns. Internet and battery not included.
  • One notebook, pen and pencil for jotting down ideas. Please note that we only provide you with one of each, and your ASPIRING WRITER™ will need a lot more. Some ASPIRING WRITER™ units have an affinity for pretty notebooks and fancy pens, so make sure to keep them well-supplied.
  • One music player of choice. Most ASPIRING WRITER™ units require listening to music while writing. Songs and playlists not included.
  • One fully developed plot. Please select your genre and plot of choice at checkout.
  • One care package containing: 1 chocolate box, 1 canister of coffee, 1 canister of tea and 1 box of assorted candies. Please request brands, flavours, etc upon check-out.
  • One outfit. Please choose from our selection of tops, bottoms, shoes and accessories at check-out. Note that your ASPIRING WRITER™ will need more than one outfit, which you will have to purchase yourself.

Your ASPIRING WRITER™ alternates between the following modes:

  • Tired n’ Weary (Default)
  • Writer Blocked
  • Grumpy
  • Overjoyed
  • Rested
  • Inspired

Your ASPIRING WRITER™ will almost always be found in the Tired n’ Weary mode, as many of the models suffer from insomnia and will often sacrifice precious hours of sleep to do a bit of writing. Make sure to keep your ASPIRING WRITER™ supplied with coffee to prevent them from crashing while in this mode.

Do not confuse the Writer Blocked and Grumpy mode no matter how similar they may be. In the Writer Blocked mode, your ASPIRING WRITER™ will most likely feel depressed at their inability to produce new words, at which point you should prevent your ASPIRING WRITER™ from looking at blank pages and instead distract them with shiny new books and the world outside.

However, in the Grumpy mode, your ASPIRING WRITER™ will most likely be irritated because they are unable to write even though they are not currently suffering from Writer’s Block; this could be either due to excessive amounts of work/assignments, a noisy household or due chores. To ease your ASPIRING WRITER™ unit’s troubles, please take care of these things yourself and provide your ASPIRING WRITER™ with a quiet environment to write. Your ASPIRING WRITER™ may also be in Grumpy mode when editing their manuscript, or when they’re short on caffeine.

The Overjoyed will only be unlocked when your ASPIRING WRITER™ (a) receives a good review, (b) finishes writing a manuscript, (c) gets published in any way, (d) gets a new follower (whether on Twitter, Facebook, WordPress, etc), (e) receives some sort of award or recognition, or (f) in the event that a pleasing non-writing event occurs, such as a nice dinner, engagement, wedding and other real life joys.

The Rested mode will only be unlocked after your ASPIRING WRITER™ either (a) finishes a manuscript, (b) finishes editing a manuscript, (c) relaxes with a good book and a nice beverage, or (d) escapes from writing for a little bit, either by hanging out with friends or distracting themselves with things that amuse them.

The Inspired mode will only be unlocked when a MUSE™ unit visits your ASPIRING WRITER™ and provides them with inspiration. Please note that MUSE™ units do not visit very often, and it will up to you to keep the creative juices of your ASPIRING WRITER™ flowing.

– – –

This post was inspired by Theresa Green, a fanfiction author who would create user manuals for characters from different fandoms, where she would include things like FAQ, Troubleshooting, Modes and Accessories. I admit I have dabbled in these manuals before (made them for characters like Sweeney Todd, Harry Potter, etc), and they were great fun, so I thought why not create one for writers?

As this might drag on, I’ve decided to divide it into three posts. I will write about functions, relationships and maintenance, and FAQs, troubleshooting and warranty in the upcoming posts!

44 thoughts on “ASPIRING WRITER: The User Guide and Maintenance Manual (1)

  1. Oooo! Can I trade my one outfit for another canister of coffee? I can’t even give you ‘see spot run’ with one canister of coffee…

  2. I feel like I should just pass this on to anyone who may have to deal with me in the future. Great read – really made me giggle. (Especially the sleepwear bit.)

  3. Hi Zen, really liked this blog and looking forward to the next ones. I’m currently behaving like a yo-yo between overjoyed mode and grumpy mode!! But I don’t drink coffee – help!

    1. I’m glad you like it! =D I’ll try to post the next one soon. And you should opt for Hot Chocolate instead! I’ve always found that it has the same effect as coffee once sweetened enough. =]

  4. I am in a writing group, and I know my fellow writers will all love this. 🙂 This is definitely getting printed and put up in my house. My fiance needs reminders about this sort of thing! 😀

    1. Haha, feel free to share it with them! And I think any person who decides to be in a relationship with a writer needs a user guide like this. xD

    1. Oh I know how your unit feels! Mine can’t bother to let it down these days especially since it’s so hot!
      Thank you for the comment! =]

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