ASPIRING WRITER: The User Guide and Maintenance Manual (2)

This is a continuation from the first part of the user guide, which you can find here. In the second part, I’ll be discussing your unit’s functions, relationships with other units and maintenance! I must say, writing this has been fun, and it has made me prob myself from all angles (not physically!) to describe how a typical writer is.

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Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢, with enough motivation and persuasion, can perform as follows:

Writer: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ is first and foremost a writer, a product of many years spent poring over a paper or a keyboard. Provide your unit with the complimentary plot present in the package and watch them get write down to the task. It may take the ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ a little over a month to finish a novel, but don’t expect them to give it to you until after many revisions. Alternatively, if you do not wish for your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ to write novels, you could assign any writing task to them (articles, essays, etc.)… though that would probably drive them over the edge and you’d be better off pre-ordering our FREELANCE WRITERâ„¢ unit.

Editor: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ is a natural-born critic, and they will butcher their own story if need be. Simply provide your unit with a document and a red pen (if document is in printed form) and leave them to their work. Do not be alarmed if you find the document drowning in red ink or shrinking considerably; your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ is only trying to make your document as polished as can be.

Publisher: Should your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ decide to self-publish their book, they automatically become a publisher. With that territory, you’ll find that your unit will slowly become an expert in matters such as pricing, formatting, giveaways, representation, interviews and other such matters. They will help you publish your book both in print and in e-book form through the various channels available online.

Marketer: Every ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ needs to possess some marketing skills in order to attract potential buyers. In order to promote their work, your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ will become a social media expert (utilizing Facebook, Google + and Twitter among other to advertise their book) and a shameless plugger (telling everyone and their mother about their book and putting up purchase links wherever possible).

Procrastinator: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢, despite all his capabilities, is an excellent procrastinator, and in the proper settings, your unit will not achieve a thing for you and will spend their day reading, watching TV, playing games or eating. They may even do chores. Basically they will do anything but write.

Multitasker Extraordinaire: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ is fully capable of performing several functions all at once. They are able to juggle their chores, actual job, quality time with their family, sleep, socializing and everything else.

Relationships with other units:

PARENTAL UNITS: While the PARENTAL UNITSâ„¢ may be incredibly supportive of your ASPIRING WRITER and proud of them, most of the time they will unfortunately fail to understand the need to set aside time to write, and will more than likely keep pestering your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ with chores and asking your unit to spend more time with them. To avoid unnecessary conflict, keep your unit, when they are writing, away from the PARENTAL UNITSâ„¢.

MUSE: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ and the MUSEâ„¢ unit have a very delicate relationship that can be unsettled by the slightest of things. Your unit relies on the MUSEâ„¢ unit to provide them with inspiration to write. They may write without the presence of the MUSEâ„¢, but they will more than likely feel frustrated with their work because they lack the inspiration the MUSEâ„¢ unit provides them with. Try to keep your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ relaxed and happy at all times to encourage visits from the MUSEâ„¢ unit.

EDITOR: If your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ is wealthy enough, then they may consider the services of the EDITORâ„¢ unit to save themselves the frustration and exhaustion of editing their own work. Beware, though, the EDITORâ„¢ comes in three different types – the gentle, the mild and the brutal. Make sure your unit is compatible with the EDITORâ„¢ before pursuing the relationship any further, and remember that such a relationship is never guaranteed to bring you together with AGENTâ„¢ units.

AGENT: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ will more than likely be obsessed with landing a deal with an AGENTâ„¢ unit. However, you should note that a relationship between the two is very difficult to obtain, and can only be achieved after your unit manages to unlock Level 10 – Awesome Manuscript, Favourable Conditions and Lady Luck Smiles.

PUBLISHER: The relationship with the PUBLISHERâ„¢ unit will only be unlocked after unlocking the relationship with the AGENTâ„¢ unit, and it is the one thing your ASPIRING UNITâ„¢ dreams of the the most, as it will automatically turn them into a PUBLISHED WRITERâ„¢ and give them many more privileges. Yes, you get those privileges too by default.

CRITIC: Your ASPIRING WRITER™ unit may either gush over the CRITIC™ unit or else hate their guts. It depends on the kind of criticism your unit receives from them. If the CRITIC™ unit provides your unit with positive reviews, then your unit may just profess undying love to them. However, bad reviews may cause your unit to just wallow in self-pity and lose faith in themselves. Make sure to avoid the mean CRITIC™ units at all costs. 

Other ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ units: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ gets along well with other ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ units. They all share similar goals and are generally quite supportive of each other. You do not have to worry about your unit if left alone with other ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ units, as their relationship is the most stable of all.

PUBLISHED WRITER: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ has a love-hate relationship with the PUBLISHED WRITERâ„¢ unit. While they do feel happy for their success and love to read their works, they may also feel jealous of said success and works. However, they will both maintain a civilized relationship as long as one doesn’t provoke the other or taunt them with their success. If the PUBLISHED WRITERâ„¢ is nice enough, they may even share their secrets and offer pointers to your unit.


Cleaning: Your ASPIRING WRITER™ unit is fully capable of washing themselves and is aware of how to use the marvels of the modern day plumbing. Your ASPIRING WRITER™ is also capable of drying themselves once you provide them with clean towels. However, should there be any programming failure; you will be required to rub the ASPIRING WRITER™ unit dry with a towel. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit on clothes line to dry; they will not appreciate it.

Energy: You will not need to provide you ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ with a special diet; they will be happy to eat what you prepare in your household as long as you don’t ask them to help you with the cooking or cleaning, as that will distract them from their writing. Please note that your unit may consume copious amounts of coffee and sugar, so make sure to keep them well supplied. If you are concerned about weight gain, make sure to provide your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ with equally tasty alternatives.

Charging: Your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ will need to recharged overnight for at least 8 hours. Simply remove all laptops, notebooks, pens, books and other writing surfaces from the vicinity and store in secure location, then direct your unit to bed. Expect tantrums, protests and complaints. Should your ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢, for any reason, get less than the recommended 8 hours, make sure to supply them with coffee, energy drinks and sugar to maintain their production capacity.

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Whee. This turned out longer than I expected! I hope you enjoyed it, though. =D The last post will contain FAQs, Troubleshooting and Warranty and I’ll make sure to post it soon enough.

Though for the moment this ASPIRING WRITERâ„¢ shall go and refuel her own energy!


11 thoughts on “ASPIRING WRITER: The User Guide and Maintenance Manual (2)

    • Well you can’t really eat ice-cream when you’re writing, can you? It melts quickly, so you have to eat it right away and you won’t be able to type anything!

  1. Is there a possibility to jam the ‘procrastinator’ function in this particular unit? Also, could you please address health problems due to sitting without moving for too many hours a day in your FAQ?
    (LOVE IT! You’re making me laugh so much with this, so thank you!)

    • Yep, it’s quite possible! I will address this problem and the health issues in the troubleshooting and FAQs. I always have such fun writing those. xD
      (And I’m really glad to hear you say that! You’re more than welcome! =D)

Talk to me! I won't bite. Unless you're made of chocolate, then I can't give any promises.

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