General · Writing

ASPIRING WRITER: The User Guide and Maintenance Manual (3)

I trust that by now you’ve become well acquainted with your ASPIRING WRITER™ units. But like every other new things, problems will eventually surface and for that you need to read the FAQ and Troubleshooting tips, then see what the warranty can cover.

You can find the first part here, and the second part here.

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Problem: Your unit is no longer able to write.

Solution: This is a common problem with ASPIRING WRITER™ units, and it’s widely known as Writer’s Block. To cure your unit’s Writer’s Block, either try to get the MUSE™ unit to pay a visit to your ASPIRING WRITER™, try to help your unit with their brainstorming process, or otherwise attempt to put your unit’s mind off writing by taking them out somewhere nice or providing them with a good book. If all fails, just wait for this problem to pass, but bear in mind that your unit may be quite irritable until then.

Problem: Your unit will only perform the Procrastinator function.

Solution: Every once in a while your ASPIRING WRITER™ will not feel like working on their stories, and they’ll do everything in their power to avoid them. Try to encourage your unit to write by expressing interest in their work, but if that doesn’t achieve anything, you can always try to take advantage of this by asking your unit to help you out with chores and the like. With any luck, that will cause your ASPIRING WRITER™ to hurry back to their computer/notebook.

Problem: Your unit has refused to interact with anyone during the month of November.

Solution: It seems that your unit has signed up for NaNoWriMo. This is an event of sorts that requires your unit to write at least 50 thousand words during November. Your ASPIRING UNIT™ will ignore everything in their quest to achieve the identified word count, including their need to eat, sleep and shower, at which point you will have to physically drag your unit away from their keyboard and force them to carry out all these daily needs. Do not panic; you’re unit will return to normal when November is over… well, as normal as they can be.

Problem: Your unit has zero self confidence.

Solution: Have you been giving your ASPIRING UNIT™ daily doses of praise? When was the last time you complimented their writing or gave them positive feedback? Have they received any negative reviews lately? If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, make sure to amend the situation immediately. Your unit often needs to be reassured about their skills and abilities, and if they do not receive votes of confidence, they may end up in a slump.


Q: I ordered the ASPIRING WRITER™ unit, but uh… I think you must have mixed up my order or something? This one is always depressed, doesn’t care much for their hygiene and is always drinking wine, not coffee. What’s going on?

A: No, you must have placed your order through some illegal database, because we abandoned the TORTURED WRITER project during the starting stages as he depressed all the employees. If for any reason you do not wish to keep the TORTURED WRITER™ unit, please send it back to us and we’ll ship you the ASPIRING WRITER™ unit, free of charge! If, however, you would like to keep the TORTURED WRITER™, please note that our Warranty does not cover said unit and thus you are entirely liable for all the damages your unit may cause.

Q: My unit refuses to change out of her PJs. Try as I might to make her look presentable, she’ll end up in her sweatpants and oversized t-shirt before I even realise it. How can I get her to wear normal clothes?

A: Your ASPIRING WRITER™ prefers practicality and comfort over appearances, and more often than not may decide to spend the whole day wearing the same clothes they wore to bed last night. Please do not mess with the preferences of your unit to avoid unnecessary tantrums. However, if you still insist on changing your unit’s clothes, please request the services of the PARENTAL UNITS™, as they will quickly be able to put your ASPIRING WRITER™ to shame.

Q: I ordered a thin unit at checkout, but he has now become morbidly obese. What happened?

A: Have you been watching your unit’s intake of sugar and carbs? Just because you ordered a thin unit doesn’t mean they cannot get fat, and if you’ve been feeding them copious amounts of chocolate, they will undoubtedly gain weight, especially if they’re sitting around all day. Make sure to provide your unit with a healthy diet, and try to get them to exercise at least once a week. The weight loss may be painful, but at least you’ll save your unit a heart attack.

Q: My unit just tried destroying her own story, and I had to physically hold her off as I saved it in a secure location. I don’t understand, she’s been working on her story for quite some time… what gives?

A: Your ASPIRING WRITER is their own worst critic. They will probably look at their book as the worst thing ever written when in truth whatever is bothering them can be fixed during editing. You need to try everything in your power to prevent your unit from destroying their work, as they will most definitely regret it later on.

Q: Uh… so I ran out of coffee/chocolate, and my unit seems to be going through withdrawals. But I really can’t afford it, and I’m getting scared of all the death glares my unit has been shooting me. What do I do?

A: What are you doing, still reading the manual? Go buy coffee/chocolate for your unit instantly, even if you have to sell some of your own belongings to do that!


With proper care and maintenance, your ASPIRING WRITER™ will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. Their warranty covers any strange malfunctions, surprising changes in programming, unexpected illnesses and funeral services. This warranty does not cover anything your unit might break in a moment of frustration and any expenses related to coffee, chocolate or writing. Furthermore, we do not guarantee that your unit will get a publishing deal or that you will reap a lot of money out of this.

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… and that’s a wrap! I hope you all enjoyed reading this. =]

15 thoughts on “ASPIRING WRITER: The User Guide and Maintenance Manual (3)

  1. Love this Zen! I just finished going through the procrastinator function. Think the button was stuck on pause for a while. lol Let’s hope my aspiring writer runs more smoothly through this next book!

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